Am I Running from Something?

“Are you running from something?” It’s a question I have been frequently asked over the years throughout my globetrotting and peculiar lifestyle.

This past year I heard it more than usual. As some of you may know, I’ve been on the road since May 6th 2019, traveling slowly and mindfully with no itinerary or plan. It’s almost as if I’ve jumped into a river, and let the water guide me to wherever I’m supposed to be. With this trusting lifestyle and care-free attitude comes the question I hear quite often: Are you running from something?

As the question rolled in, I would usually chuckle at it, and immediately say no, of course not! I love my family and this unconventional life I have created, which is of course still true to this day. I mean it makes sense and it could easily seem that way to an outsider.

When my heart was broken, I traveled. When I wanted to celebrate an important milestone, I would travel. If I was lost or seeking answers, I would pack my bag and book a one-way ticket. Travel was my closest companion, never judging me or questioning me. It was always there for me no matter how I was feeling. In travel, I found a friend who I was fortunate enough to see often. It was my strongest anchor in an ocean of chaos.

And then, life changed.

A virus, something so tiny and “unseen by the eye” stopped the world from turning as we all had known it. There were no more following signs, only complying to the orders to stay inside and isolate.

I was in Peru when the world began to spin out of control. No longer could I pack up my bags to seek advice or clarify. I was forced to sit in solitude, sometimes for multiple days, as we were only permitted to leave our homes on certain days.

Sitting with myself in Peru, I would find myself cycling through diverse emotions multiple times per day. Days passed and some would be easy, others would come and I would awake to feel the sadness, grief, and worry of humanity. This continues to be my challenging reality. I only found out a few short days ago that the quarantine would extend through most of the month of May.

In isolation, you’re forced to have honest conversations with yourself.

It has been a challenge: this isolation. I have been traveling the world for years by myself, but I have never truly been alone. There has always been a new friend, experience, or adventure that would occupy my headspace. Now, I’m forced to have honest conversations with myself, causing me to reflect on my life. Many days I write, practice Spanish, take the dogs for walks, meditate, do yoga, anything to pass the time within these four walls.

But sometimes, I surrender to my mind and let the thoughts and emotions surface. I allow my mind to cycle through all those jumbled feelings and emotions, multiple times a day. It is during these times, where this question bubbles to the surface: “Am I running from something?”

I started to rehash through old memories

I have spent the last 10 years working on Luxury yachts. While I was busy polishing silverware sets worth $20,000 or serving $2,000 bottles of wine, I was in auto-pilot mode. It was like a very well programmed robot going through the motions. While my co-workers were buying Louis Vuitton handbags and trying on designer watches or clothing with their tip money, I was secretly planning my next 3-4 months of travel.

That envelope would pay for months of backpacking, sleeping in hostels, and camping in the mountains. I would close my eyes at night wondering about all the people I would meet or encounter along the way. The way they may merge into my story like we were supposed to cross each others path this whole time. Like the universe was including me in on its secrets.

Looking back, I now understand what I am running from.

I am running from the current truth so many of us cling to. The reality that material things define our worth; that they make everything better. That we’re supposed to just fit into the current mold and consume more, consume often, and cover our true selves in clothing, accessories, and make-up. Your life will be better….right, if you have a newer car, a bigger house, and all the pretty things?

I never had those dreams of the white picket fence, the house with the big fireplace and the photos of my 2.2 kids hanging perfectly above the mantle. I never wanted the two car payments sitting in the garage. Fitting into this materialistic mold of society scared me enough to let go of most of my earthly possessions.

These skewed truths and objects will never bring happiness. Don’t hold onto that false dream that if you just had more money, or a better job, than everything will be better. It won’t. It will just spark the need for more. When will we realize what we have is enough? We are the maestros of our happiness and everything we need has been inside of us all along.

As this virus is stopping the world, it’s easy to see we are migrating to the things that really matter. We are connecting with family and long lost friends. People are adopting all those unwanted animals and seeking new companions. We are reading, creating, learning, cooking our own food, and pushing ourselves to be better. In this time of crisis, we are turning to music, museums, shows, and nature. It is the arts, human connections, and mother earth that are getting us through these dark times.

And that’s when I realized….

My life has been my greatest treasure. I am as rich as the views from all the mountaintops I’ve climbed. No one can put a value on the first time I gazed my eyes upon the mighty Machu Picchu, because I trekked over 100 miles of epic landscape to see it.

I am all the hugs and smiles that my family have given me throughout the years, and the worry and tears they shed for me when I am away. My heart is a bursting treasure chest, and it is filled by the thousands of people who I have met along my journey.

You see, I am a collection of memories and moments from all the places I have had the privilege to have been. Some days I feel as if I am one of the richest people in the world, and yet I own very little.

This virus has shed light on what is truly important

It’s not things; it’s people and the communities we have built. We need to take more time to honestly ask each other how we are doing. We need more empathy and understanding, because deep down we really all want the same things.

It’s the arts and music and things that raise our vibrations and soothe our sad spirits.

It’s the Earth and the food it provides. A huge shout out to those selfless souls that are still out tending to their fields and crops. Their loving hands are combing the Earth and providing the food that fuels our bodies. We would go hungry without those dedicated and selfless people. Our dark moods can be lifted by the warmth of the sunshine on our faces and gives us the opportunity to reconnect with the nature surrounding us. How therapeutic is it just to go outside and reconnect with the birds chirping, the comforting scent of dirt, or the softness of the grass? Stepping outside is almost like medicine in itself.

In short, all of the things that we thought were so important, that we thought defined us, truly have no place in this current world, a world that was slowed down and simplified by a virus.

So maybe I am not running from something, but rather, I am running to something. I am embracing happiness and freedom, running to it with an open mind and heart. My true worth has no room for material objects to define me. I am an overflowing cup of experiences, fueled by all the people and places that have given me the ultimate gift, a life I cherish.

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