2021 Year in Review | The Internal Journey

I wasn’t planning on writing a year in review. It’s not that this year wasn’t important, in fact it was. I kept a low profile and didn’t travel to as many destinations and as the virus continues to surge and mutate, traveling and “normal life” seems like a distant and make-believe dream.

I woke up this morning bright and early with a coffee in hand and sat outside and watched the sun peek over the mighty Andes mountains. Every morning they embrace me with a generous hug, as the birds tweet playfully in the background, while the dew disappears from the grass. I inhale a deep breath of fresh, yet thin air. As I sip my hot coffee out of a colorful mug, I watch the sky lighten, glisten, it’s the promise of a new day full of opportunity. I receive a sudden download, an outline.

“Ah yes, this year you did not physically travel as much, but the greatest voyage happened in the depths of your soul. The journey this year happened in your heart and shook your entire being.”

So, here I am, on my second cup of coffee, pounding away at my laptop. When I get in this mode, my fingers dance across the keys, the tears flow in release, and I feel alive.

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2021 started at home with my family. After spending 13 months in South America, and being locked in Peru for over almost 9 months, the borders finally opened at the end of 2020. In November I made home my way home to Wisconsin to integrate all the lessons, messages, and downloads that I received from the mighty Apus (mountains).

2020 was one of the most unexpected, yet happiest years of my life

First and foremost, it was important not to lose my connection with Mother Earth. This resulted in bundling up in layers upon layers with my sister, who is a trooper and stomped through the fresh snow with me during the frigid Wisconsin winter. From waterfalls frozen in time to standing on the icy shores of Lake Superior, I was so thankful for her to accompany on adventures with me in below zero temps. We both sported frosty eyelashes, numb appendages, and 20 extra pounds of winter gear, but we ended the day with warm hearts and smiling faces. She made my abrupt departure from the magic of Peru that much easier and bearable.

As Wisconsin started to unthaw, and spring came with wildflowers a promise of new, I followed a voice, an inner knowing, that came to me during my final weeks in Peru. I must go to Mexico, specifically, there is something in Oaxaca. Maybe a key to the next passage? It was time to write my next chapter.

So in March, with my mom in tow, I packed up my companion, my trusted backpack, and all three of us landed in Oaxaca Mexico with the promise of 180 days to stay, to create, to build. For these six months were meant to monetize my blog, to take it seriously and turn it into a business.

The universe must have been slapping its imaginary knee with tears streaming down its stardust face, because this is exactly what I didn’t do.

The transition was tough for me. My mind was elsewhere, stuck in the past. Physically I was in Oaxaca, but mentally I was wandering up the mountains in the Sacred Valley, standing next to hidden Inca sites, gawking at the snowcapped glaciers, swimming in frigid alpine lakes, drinking coca tea, and sharing space with my quirky little makeshift family, a support team of incredible women that had effortlessly formed in our time of uncertainty in the sealed walls of Peru. I could not move on from the enchantment of Peru, my heart was still in Cusco, my legs still walking the streets of Urubamba. I could not let it go.

Oaxaca was in the midst of dry season, dead and yellow. It’s how I felt, but instead of yellow being bright and full of sunshine, it made me feel dry and lifeless, as dead as the endless grass on the hillsides. I was walking without my sense of wonderment. I must have looked like a zombie going through the motions.

But then something strange happened. I received an email to my website from a woman. She was part of an all woman’s writing group and she believed I was the missing puzzle piece to their group. Hesitantly, I emailed her back, since let’s be real, I get spam mail daily.

I scheduled a date to meet with her via Zoom and I instantly knew the vision of this book aligned with my inner workings of my soul. Each woman is writing a chapter, a personal healing story with the centerpiece being Peru and the curative powers found within the region. We had all experienced the portal that is Peru, the one that allows you to see the magic and step into another realm. There are 13 women, each one a symbol for the 13 moons of the year, our story inspired by none other than Cusco’s very own Temple of the Moon.

My story had been begging my subconscious to be written for the past 3 year and within this sacred container we all created, I found a safe place to share my journey. At first, I was nervous. My chapter is my biggest secret, one that I had suppressed for nearly 25 years, pushed deep down to my inner being, where it stayed locked away and was never spoken about. For years, I believed I was cursed. It wasn’t until I sat with plant medicines in South America at the end of 2018 that I realized that in fact, I had a gift.

But, that’s another story, and one that you can hopefully read in a published book. 🙂

Sharing my story in a group of powerful woman gave me the confidence to find my voice. The writing group was like finding 12 new cheerleaders, encouraging me to be the best version of myself, which ironically was simply accepting me and loving me for who I am in this moment. This group shifted me, and it was like finding 12 long lost soul sisters.

We are scattered across the globe, speak multiple languages, and each have a unique and different story, but a common thread is woven between us, a hope for a better world through love and healing. I feel honored to be included in such a powerful group of women that are shamans, healers, and create magic in life. This writing group has become one of the most favorite places to travel to, a zoom space fueled by raw truth, honestly, and support. I can’t wait to publish our labor of love in the near future.

Soon after my mom left, I began diving into my blog, because the inner-voice that visited me in Cusco told me I must build my future in Oaxaca. So, I plugged away in isolation, to improve, to write, to share the way I see the world.

This lasted only a few weeks, because life threw me a curveball, one that I had shut out for so long. I started seeing someone. After being alone for so long, I finally opened my heart. In honesty, it was easy for me.

The relationship in linear time was short, but in truth, time doesn’t really exist, especially when it comes to matters of the heart and soul. The relationship completely flipped me upside down and altered me. Nothing is perfect and fairytales don’t exist, but for a brief moment, I was transported into a realm outside this reality. I was living in the moment and the magic was encompassing me. My normal “impromptu” rose colored glasses that I wear, unraveled a world that was more vivid than ever. The mere rose colors danced in kaleidoscope patterns in shades of pinks, blushes, salmons, and corals.

Just when you think the world can’t radiate more divine, it does. I saw Oaxaca in a new light. Everything was bright and beautiful. The ordinary moments were the most extraordinary. The people who appeared flawed, cracked, and damaged, I could see their beauty and into their souls. I was tapped into an energy source and it was causing me to glow. But the energy source was me, in this heightened state of existence. I saw the magic, therefore, I was the magic.

My dad came down for a week and I shared with him my new love, for my temporary home, my temporary person.

As my time in Oaxaca came to an end, I left with a new puppy that came to me in the mountains, tired from recently recovering from Covid, and the silence of unspoken words with an uncertain future.

I wrote a raw piece about my six months in Oaxaca here

But in life, nothing is permanent. The good, the happiness, the sadness, the pain and hurt, they come in waves, reminding us to savor the joy and a reminder that sometimes growth happens in our times of darkness.

I spent a few weeks at home trying to unpack the past and digest it all, but there was no time to waste. I boarded a plane to Ecuador to house sit for friends, an arrangement I had committed to months before the magic of Oaxaca and my new pup.

The first month in Ecuador was tough. I was lost in my mind, in a deep pit of sadness and what-ifs. It was a huge adjustment being away from my new puppy, my white source of light while I was navigating the darkness of change alone. I was spiraling downwards, completely cloudy in my thoughts. I had lost my sense to live in the moment. I was trying to catch my footing, but was stumbling. One step forward, three steps back.

But then, I started writing again and burying myself in building. Was it a distractions, maybe yes, but I realized I stopped writing and building my dreams in Oaxaca. I was living in the moment, which was what I needed at that time, but I also lost my vision… To share how I see the world. The beauty in unlikely places, the healing of nature, the waking up and stepping out of the matrix. The world is a mystical playground and so many of us forget that or are unable to see it that way.

I began to slowly dig myself out of the pit of sadness. If there is anything I’ve learned from all these years on the road, it’s that I’m resilient and adaptable to change. Just like everyone, I have bad days, days where I want to lay in bed, days where I want to isolate, and that’s alright. Being a human is tough and we must always be extra kind to ourselves. We are all simply doing the best we can.

I got stuck in my head my first month in Ecuador, and nothing good comes from being there. The past is a scary place to get lost. To long for days gone by, to wish to change and alter it only causes us sorrow and regret. Here in our minds, the walls grow taller and impossible to scale. It’s best to take a step back and acknowledge the lessons, dust off the scratched knees, broken hearts, and bruised egos. Stand tall and move forward. We have this crazy ability to manifest and write our future.

So, as I lay on the grass and look to the clouds dancing and shifting in the sky, I am reminded of the beauty in the simple moments. Like us, the world is constantly changing and moving. How will you perceive it?

Some days it can be hard. The suffering of the world can be heavy and weigh you down. The mundaneness, too boring. The heartache, too much. It’s a feeling I can all too much relate to, especially recently.

As I wept in the arms of darkness,

I heard the voice of my grandmother say, Nothing stays the same, darling, not even the pain.

Life is a path of change.

Of ecstasy and ache.

So, no matter what the storm claims let love light the way

Tanya Markul

These last few weeks, I have been reminded that each day is a gift. There’s no time to be stuck in the past or to worry about the future. I can only open my eyes in the morning and be thankful for each day, each breath, each mystical soul that weaves in and out of my story, and continue to see the glow of the world. I can’t get lost in darkness, only chose to be a source of light. I choose to see the magic in the simplest of moments around me.

So, as this year comes to a close, I am still sharing about all of the beautiful places to visit in Mexico, Ecuador, and still Peru, but my greatest journey took place inside my heart and soul. I shared myself and story with others, opened my heart, and remembered what it was like to vulnerable. The door has been opened to endless possibilities.

And of course, my mind tried to rationalize it all. Although I’m sitting in a different spot than I imagined, I am thankful for these few months in Ecuador where I had the time and space to reflect in solitude. I didn’t regress or fall into negative patterns that are too easy and comfortable from the past, and for that, I can hold my head high. Growth is constant and I refuse to shut out the love, the magic, or refuse to acknowledge or see the quiet grace in people and raw fascination of places.

As we prepare to welcome 2022, I have little expectations for the future. I’ve let those go. The present moment is where I can create and find the magic. Besides, as Covid rages on, it’s too hard to plan. Surrender, trust, flow, and divine timing are five words that have a new meaning for me. A short summary of 2021.

So, I will finish-up my time here in Ecuador. On New Years Eve, I’ll participate in the ritual of burning a monigote, a symbolism of the “año viejo,” or old year. Create a dummy, put on a make-shift mask, and burn it all. After the fire burns to coal and ashes, I’ll scoop out the chimney with a clean slate for the new year. None of the bullshit to carry over, just acceptance and gratitude from the lessons.

I will be taking a break from posting these next few weeks as I spend my final weeks in Ecuador exploring some places that I have not been to. Of course, these destinations include some multi-day treks, hikes, connecting with nature. I am hoping to sit one more time with Grandmother Ayahuasca from the first shaman I had the honor to sit with. He changed my entire life. My story is coming full circle.

After Ecuador, I will be reunited with my sweet pup Donaji. It will be four months since I have scratched her belly and kissed her sweet little head. There is not a doubt in my mind, she will be my travel companion and accompany me on all my future destinations.

With the mindset of “not planning,” I am toying with a few destinations next year, but none of us know what the futures holds. We can only simply be. That’s where happiness is anyways, or if not happiness a feeling of inner peace.

However, one thing is for certain. I continue to plan on writing and sharing. Writing has been therapeutic for me, it comes from the inner workings of my being, a place of honesty and rawness. In fact, I have been so inspired by writing this year, I want to write my own book in due time. I have had nothing but encouragement and support by all those who I share my personal writings with.

As for the blog, I will continue to offer advice for people who want to connect deeper with destinations, cultures, and nature. Now more than ever, it is important that we travel to fuel local economies and shy away from cruise ships, corporate travel companies, big business, and all-inclusive resorts. Travel has been put on pause for over two years and many families are struggling.

I say it every year, but there is no better time than NOW to start changing how we travel, how we see the world, how we grow, how we can accept and love people with different views and beliefs. Travel can be the bridge that gaps the ever growing divisiveness between us. We need more of it and bigger hugs and less pointing fingers.

Thank you for reading and continuing to follow along with my journey. May we create a 2022 that is filled with magic, beauty, and wonder. May we design a world where it’s unnecessary to don an imaginary pair of rose-colored glasses, but rather we see the world glow in all its beauty in the language of love, hope, and dreams.

May this year be the best one yet.